About two years ago something bad happen in my life "My Grandpa had Died". It first started when my dad picked my up from my old school Lee Elementary. He told me something sad happened in our life. I don't think you are going to believe me ,but your grandpa just died the other day. So I told my dad "This can't be true he didn't die not yet. When I heard what my dad told me that sentence I was frozen like an ice cube for ten minutes because I was shocked to hear that my grandpa has died.
When my dad told me the the news I didn't believe it I thought it was all super FAKE! I knew i just had to believe my dad on this one. After I left my old school Lee Elementary early we went to my grandpa's funeral in Point Loma. My grandma was crying for my grandpa Bill. She was crying like a big shower like rain. Hey dad I can see High Tech High Media Arts. Boom!! they were shooting bullets into the sky. Why are they doing that dad. Well John, since grandpa Bill was part of the Navy they just have to do that. Like one day you are part of the navy they will do the same thing to you. Also every kind of navy gets this kind of funeral.
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4 comments:
John,
Good job
You have a really good focal point. But you repeat some of your content in your piece you say
"When my dad told me the the news I didn't believe it I thought it was all super FAKE!" That's saying the same thing twice.
Also when you say "When I heard what my dad told me that sentence I was frozen like an ice cube for ten minutes because I was shocked to hear that my grandpa has died." You could add more flow. Because it's a little hard to understand what you mean.
At the end when you start to talk about the Navy, I think that's a little off topic.
Your missing some quotation marks!
But other then that, Good Job!
John,
This draft is great. Also pretty good dialog. Also I like the style of your writing. The tone I think is the best part because you are describing your emotions.
john
you have done a nice job with this. there are some sentences thtat could use some reworking. also, don't forget to use the proper dialog format. what part of this do you think is of most interest to the reader. do you think you could expand on that part. i would like it if you could use some sensory description too. apply more of what i have taught in class.
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